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We at Charles Harris Enterprises wish to apologise unreservedly for suggesting in the past that sugar might not be bad for your health and that cutting it out of your diet might not help you lose weight, counter obesity, avoid heart disease, evade diabetes and save your teeth.

Scientist holding carrots which are not sugar

Man with carrots

If we ever said that nutritional experts were “sandal-wearing, bearded Guardian-reading kill-joys who want to stop poor people eating the one thing they can afford and that brings fun and excitement to their lives” it must have been an unfortunate slip of the pen, caused by excitement at all the money we were making adding cheap sugar to convenience foods to add to our profits.

The Sugars

It is possible that we once suggested that sugar was not in any way implicated in causing disease and the fact that in the Caribbean diabetes is called “the sugars” is merely an urban myth. If so, we were momentarily distracted by self-interest.

Paying newspaper columnists to write things such as “sugar is good for you”, “you need sugar in your diet” and “life is hard enough without adding sweetness” happened while we were asleep, or slumped in a sugar-coma, or counting our cash.

We want it to be clear that from now on, sugar is the work of the devil, and that we fully intend to stop making money from fooling people into thinking cheap stale food doesn’t taste like chemical mush.

Sugar-free diet

Instead we are going to make money telling people how to stop eating sugar, how difficult it is to stop eating sugar, how difficult it is to write recipes and diet programmes to help people stop eating sugar and to run expensive courses to help people deal with this disgusting sugar-eating habit.

And we will concentrate, as before, on injecting and feeding cattle with antibiotics, covering fruit and vegetables with pesticides, killing weeds with high-dosage chemicals and altering the DNA of everything that moves or grows.

Because anyone who says they’re bad for you is a sandal-wearing, bearded Guardian-reading kill-joy who wants to stop poor people eating the one thing they can afford, that brings fun and excitement to their lives.

We trust this is now totally clear.