Fun, energetic, and reminds you what you loved about the movies. Joe Bob and his friends take no prisoners. Films are rated by body count, flesh visible and extras such as a snake camera (you have to read it to understand). Cahiers du Cinema it ain’t.
We at Charles Harris Enterprises wish to apologise unreservedly for suggesting in the past that sugar might not be bad for your health and that cutting it out of your diet might not help you lose weight, counter obesity, avoid heart disease, evade diabetes and save your teeth.
If we ever said that nutritional experts were “sandal-wearing, bearded Guardian-reading kill-joys who want to stop poor people eating the one thing they can afford and that brings fun and excitement to their lives” it must have been an unfortunate slip of the pen, caused by excitement at all the money we were making adding cheap sugar to convenience foods to add to our profits.
It is possible that we once suggested that sugar was not in any way implicated in causing disease and the fact that in the Caribbean diabetes is called “the sugars” is merely an urban myth. If so, we were momentarily distracted by self-interest.
Paying newspaper columnists to write things such as “sugar is good for you”, “you need sugar in your diet” and “life is hard enough without adding sweetness” happened while we were asleep, or slumped in a sugar-coma, or counting our cash.
We want it to be clear that from now on, sugar is the work of the devil, and that we fully intend to stop making money from fooling people into thinking cheap stale food doesn’t taste like chemical mush.
Instead we are going to make money telling people how to stop eating sugar, how difficult it is to stop eating sugar, how difficult it is to write recipes and diet programmes to help people stop eating sugar and to run expensive courses to help people deal with this disgusting sugar-eating habit.
And we will concentrate, as before, on injecting and feeding cattle with antibiotics, covering fruit and vegetables with pesticides, killing weeds with high-dosage chemicals and altering the DNA of everything that moves or grows.
Because anyone who says they’re bad for you is a sandal-wearing, bearded Guardian-reading kill-joy who wants to stop poor people eating the one thing they can afford, that brings fun and excitement to their lives.
We trust this is now totally clear.
At last, what you’ve been waiting for – something to fill the Christmas stocking of your favourite expert in crime – my Police Slang book.
An arresting glimpse behind the scenes at your local cop shop, this popular gift tells you what the police are really saying.
Would you know what to do with an SQJ? Or why they’re calling your friend an IC2? It’s all here.*
In the middle of researching a police-based novel, I realised that I’d hit a rich seam of humour. Police slang also uncovers the reality about how they see us, the criminals they deal with, and the world at large.
It’s not too late to order your copy now, astound your friends, create your own realistic dialogue and impress your crime-reading (or crime-creating) circle.
* If your friend is an IC2, he or she looks Mediterranean or Hispanic. And SQJ stands for Stupid Question Jacket – because as soon as you put one on, someone comes and asks you one… so now you know.
Don’t tell me you haven’t looked. Has there been a serious storm since 1987 when someone hasn’t rolled out that clip of Fish telling us all it wasn’t going to happen? Of course not. This is how we know.
Poor old Fish might try to have it that it wasn’t really a hurricane and that he was really talking about Florida, and anyway he was just chatting to a friend of a friend, but we don’t care about that. We care that he denied it.
We knew about BSE the moment John Gummer started stuffing hamburger down his poor kid. We knew about foot and mouth as soon as they told us it definitely wasn’t. If they don’t deny it, it can’t be true.
That’s how we know. There’s no truth without denial.